Of Fading Out
(Nothing quite creatively written. Read at your own risk.)
I've mulled it over for quite a few times and I haven't come to the decision of whether to classify 2010 as a good or a bad year. What I credit it for though, is that it's the year that I started piecing myself back together. It has been crazy.
I remember the first few months and coasting by school. My grades were shit but it was definitely less shitty than the past year and a half. Somehow I was able to lift my spirits up because at that time I really felt like giving everything up.
April rolled in and blew a shitstorm. After this embarrassing crying stint I did in front of some relatives while they were talking about this horrendous lump on my mother's thigh like I was not even there, I finally spilled whatever I knew of it (I had been keeping it a secret for months then). Somehow they were able to convince my mom to have a check up. Good thing too because we were just in time. Even now I find it hard to type out, like how every other wizard would say He Who Must Not Be Named. There was a time in the household when we resorted to calling it the Big C. But now I just remember Hermione and her matter-of-fact tone of voice yapping about how the fear of the name only increases the fear of thing itself. And I don't want to be afraid anymore. Cancer. Stage one, and I really don't know which classification because she doesn't want to talk about it.
I realize now how much of a good thing it was to not take summer classes because I was needed in the hospital and at home 24/7. It was a whirlwind of infinite things to do! Taking care of siblings, sleeping in the hospital, taking care of mom, appeasing everyone else, doing errands, accounting for mom's work, buying food and then flying to the other end of the city to take care of my shifting applications! And then there's three months of radiation after. No chemo, thank God.
June was scary as hell. It meant a new home college and a new course and shifting from the right side of my brain to the left. Or the other way around. It was intimidating and heartbreaking at first, but I realized how much I love being creative. This is what I was born to do.
August was another week in the hospital. It was a funny routine of school - hospital - and making do with whatever was in the hospital to do plates.
And then everything after became blank and dry and I felt myself pushing up those walls again. There was this moment of isolation which I wouldn't classify as silly because it is the only way I know to live.
First semester over, and I had the best grades yet.
Second semester meant trying to fit in. I still blend in too much (to the point of invisibility), but I'm working on it. I'm working on it. It's sort of hard (and futile?) trying to change who you are.
My year just faded out after that.
(I guess it's a bad year?)
I've mulled it over for quite a few times and I haven't come to the decision of whether to classify 2010 as a good or a bad year. What I credit it for though, is that it's the year that I started piecing myself back together. It has been crazy.
I remember the first few months and coasting by school. My grades were shit but it was definitely less shitty than the past year and a half. Somehow I was able to lift my spirits up because at that time I really felt like giving everything up.
April rolled in and blew a shitstorm. After this embarrassing crying stint I did in front of some relatives while they were talking about this horrendous lump on my mother's thigh like I was not even there, I finally spilled whatever I knew of it (I had been keeping it a secret for months then). Somehow they were able to convince my mom to have a check up. Good thing too because we were just in time. Even now I find it hard to type out, like how every other wizard would say He Who Must Not Be Named. There was a time in the household when we resorted to calling it the Big C. But now I just remember Hermione and her matter-of-fact tone of voice yapping about how the fear of the name only increases the fear of thing itself. And I don't want to be afraid anymore. Cancer. Stage one, and I really don't know which classification because she doesn't want to talk about it.
I realize now how much of a good thing it was to not take summer classes because I was needed in the hospital and at home 24/7. It was a whirlwind of infinite things to do! Taking care of siblings, sleeping in the hospital, taking care of mom, appeasing everyone else, doing errands, accounting for mom's work, buying food and then flying to the other end of the city to take care of my shifting applications! And then there's three months of radiation after. No chemo, thank God.
June was scary as hell. It meant a new home college and a new course and shifting from the right side of my brain to the left. Or the other way around. It was intimidating and heartbreaking at first, but I realized how much I love being creative. This is what I was born to do.
August was another week in the hospital. It was a funny routine of school - hospital - and making do with whatever was in the hospital to do plates.
And then everything after became blank and dry and I felt myself pushing up those walls again. There was this moment of isolation which I wouldn't classify as silly because it is the only way I know to live.
First semester over, and I had the best grades yet.
Second semester meant trying to fit in. I still blend in too much (to the point of invisibility), but I'm working on it. I'm working on it. It's sort of hard (and futile?) trying to change who you are.
My year just faded out after that.
(I guess it's a bad year?)
I know 2010 has been tough, but if you've emerged as a better and stronger person, more grateful and appreciative of what you have, then maybe it isn't such a bad year after all. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm just always, always here for you, Carsiwarsi! I love you! More dopin' next year, yes/yes? :) Happy new year! >:D<
I hope 2011 holds better things for you. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, Cars. Your 2010 wasn't so nice. I hope something good will work out this year. :) Cheers!
ReplyDelete