Calibrations

 

I've long left behind resolutions that read like to-do lists. I go through years with mantras or themes instead. 2010 was about Participating.  In 2011, I went by La Roux: "This time baby, I'll be bulletproof." It was the year that I had finally shifted to a new course, and I felt I needed the armor. I mean, I meant for the whole mantra thing to be about schoolwork, and changes like that, just something more... mundane I guess.  But ironically enough?/appropriately enough? it was also the year that my mom died.  2012 was Horror Vacui (unintentionally so) — just one big mess of memories and emotions, holding back, missing out. 

By the end of 2012, I had 2013 pegged as a year of Being and Accepting.  Maybe I had not felt it then and there, but even more than just passively Being and Accepting, the past year was also about Calibrations. The year was about readjustments and fine-tuning two priority levels: 1) myself, and 2) my family. 

I've always had a hard time dealing with emotions  and accepting them as my own. I think the part of my brain in charge of emotions short-circuited, or something. In 2013, I allowed myself to just feel -- to accept loneliness or happiness as they come and go, accept them as okay, as perfectly normal.  Although I spent most of it fumbling then dusting myself off multiple times (always reminding myself that it's okay to be human), in the process I guess I was just relearning how to feel, how not to feel, how to tune out the Unnecessary and where to place myself in the grand scheme of things.  I guess for the most part, I have been successful.  I've lived through 2013 without having to feel absolutely numb about everything. I've made memories I can remember.  I've participated in life.  Maybe one day, I'd get to do these without having to remind myself to feel, or to not feel.  There's still work to be done. 

But I'm going to be okay.

In our family, things are starting to fall into place, not exactly back to how they used to be, but in place.   And I am really, really grateful for that.  There was a time (and to be honest, there still are), when I felt like we were so, so stuck.  We were always turning towards dead ends. I grew frustrated because we all felt a little bit lost, and I felt responsible.  At this point, everyone was giving advice: how to deal with this and that, how we should get over It  (until now I can't believe someone actually told me to get over my own Mother, like loss is a trend). But I just learned to tune it all out because they don't get it.  We have a weird family dynamic (every family has a weird family dynamic right?), and there's no formula fix. But here we are now, and I think we're all a little better (individually, and to each other).  Sometimes we fall out of sync, sometimes we retreat into our own little bubbles. There's still work to be done.   

But we're going to be okay.  

So hey 2013, thanks.  

&

2014