Cath...

For the past couple of weeks, I've been more introspective than usual. It hasn't been something that I've consciously done in a while.  I used to be this over-thinking, over-analyzing person whose mind (oftentimes with a bad British accent) wouldn't shut up about anything.  Train rides during my first and second years as a college student would usually involve staring wistfully towards concrete buildings and over-sized billboards in between reviewing for my next Math exam.  A couple of posts had been a product of this surplus of "Me time".  It had been a love-hate relationship that had me turning every, or most, stones of my life.



Now is a different story.  I ride a jeep, I fall asleep.  I walk towards the MRT and pray to God that there's a free seat.  I sleep (it doesn't matter if the free seat was granted or not).  I ride the bus.  I sleep.  It's been a way of coping with my design course. It's how I've come to adapt to the idleness, to the exhaustion .   Plates are usually time-extensive, and rides are where I get my sleep.

Today, after a nice almost-semender meal of Le Ching Beef Wanton Soup and Razon's Halo-halo (I REGRET NOTHING) with a couple of blockmates, I was pretty much in an idle state of mind.  Being so full (I REGRET NOTHING), I wasn't feeling sleepy at all.  I was wondering about how I came to this point in life when I stopped thinking during the ride home.  When had I put up a wall between my thoughts and their full realization?  I miss being that introspective person.  I miss knowing exactly where I am in the grand scheme of things.

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The truth is, I still have some qualms about choosing a design course.  I mean, I know this is what I want to do for the rest of my life (That much is clear to me).  But, I know it sounds silly, I can't help but think about the others.  So I'm almost 21, and I still give shit about what others think of me.  Sue me, or something.

For most of my life (meaning:  before college), I had been the achiever.  I received awards for Math and Science, and of course it was logical for the others to assume that I'd follow that path.  I know a lot of people had envisioned me as a scientist probably, or a mathematician, or a doctor, maybe a lawyer.  I mean, I don't know what they think of me now as an Interior Design major.  I know there is still some sort of stigma that comes along with a design course, but I am here now.  I am braving all the doubts, because this is what I want to do.  It was a tough choice between something I was good at, and something that I was passionate about.  Believe you me when I tell you that I've tried countless times to picture myself as a doctor, or a teacher, or a lawyer or whatever else someone would want me to be.  It would have been easier to appease them first.  But I can't.  I only see myself in this field: as an interior designer, as someone working in print media, as a purveyor of design, as a creative.  So maybe this has been brought on by really dumb graduation blues, because I could have been (graduating).  My Facebook feed is filled with graduation pictures, and "Congratulations!" and achievements.  The sunflowers could have been for me.  But I know I wouldn't have been truly happy.  I guess if there's something I'm really proud of, it would be this.  I chose the road less approved, but the one which I truly believed in.

Soon everybody will ask what became of me
(But it would not matter)