What am I doing?

I am always just immersing myself in books and movies and music (and the internet), and when I talk to people I don't really speak. I'm always just half there, or half here. And lately I can't be there for others, like how I'm supposed to. I don't know anymore.

I guess people are just programmed differently. I mean, with the way we deal with feelings and emotions and those sorts of intangible stuff. (How can some people be so perky? How can I not be?) I'm not really good with those - with expressing and dealing and accepting. I'm constantly in denial of reality, I think. But lately, everything's just getting to me. I always feel so weak, and not in the way that I lack food or sleep. It's in the way that I always feel like giving up or giving out. Or in this way that sudden extreme hurt would just flood through me like a sudden wave and it would just as quickly leave me in an after quake of not knowing where I am. I just feel like curling up in bed drowning in the dark, not sleeping. I just feel like maybe crying and being alone. I don't know what's wrong with me, or what specifically I've been sad about for the past couple of weeks. I don't even know when this started, or how exactly it came to be. But gawd, I haven't really told anyone. One thing about me is that, I can't be sad in front of anyone. I think my default setting would be extremely bubbly or indifferent -- never sad or angry. But right now, I just really feel shitty.

I'm not saying I'm hiding in this mask of a happy girl, and I'm asking for pity now. No. It's not that. I just wanted to write this all out because this is the only way I could think of letting it out.

Yeah.